sorry for spamming, self

At this rate I'm going to end up with 10 entries for today alone. I can't help it, even though I pretty much lost all of my writings, I still have like 50+ lurking somewhere in my notepad apps, drafts, unsent items.

Yes I tend to type shit I wanted to tell people I'm never talking to again and never send them. Sometimes the app doesn't delete the "draft" and I discover them unsent years later. 

It's fine though. It's fine. It always is.

Since I'm going to be alone soon, I decided to go back to my first love -- writing. I'm not any good lmao, but I do have a lot to say. I don't need anyone to read it either. I just need to post them somewhere. Maybeeeee for when I'm gone? No not really. Last time I tried to off myself, I didn't bother with a note and only really very lowkey told one person.

Honestly I have no idea how I survived that HAHAHAHA. If I run for 5 minutes my lungs burn and my body shuts down. I took 3 months worth of SSRIs and somehow made it out alive with no organ failure or whatever. Jesus Christ.

I'm going off on a tangent here, sorry.

Anyway, I plan to make a poetry chapbook or a zine. I'll fill it with my (sometimes useless) writing and some dramatic drawings. My drawings aren't all cutesy and happy, you know. I'll sell it alongside my cutesy shit and maybe label it "Sobby Days" since my brand is freaking "Happy Days" hahahaha.

I knew it was a bad idea having a positive brand name. No room for duality. LIKE AT ALL.

But yes, since I'm going to be alone, I might as well log my thoughts somewhere. 

I told my ex I had to kill the romantic part of me in order to keep up with his realist and pragmatic self. I'm reclaiming that part of me that I lost. Because fuck that, and fuck men.

At the risk of going off on another tangent here, I'm logging off. Might go back and add poems but idk. TTYL.

untitled sonnet lol

The clouds pile up and a storm is breaking
My tears trickling down like sweat
You're in my heart, I know it's aching
Oh, how I wish we never met
The rain has stopped, but tears kept flowing
This stinging feeling, you know it's burning
I feel so cold, inside me, it's snowing
My heart is twisting, I feel like mourning
Dear love, you know how it is
Losing you, I felt so weak
But now, the sun shining, I feel at ease
Up the sky, my clouds will never be bleak
So now, my dearest, please rest in peace
And be ready for your journey to the faraway east

(Written around 2008 or something

I should probably annotate properly but who tf cares hahaha

I just want to archive my stuff.

Also I've no idea what this was about hahaha.

Teenager me pretending to grieve over some dead lover or something idk.

There was no dead lover or whatever)

sunlight?

It is the kiss of sunlight,
warm but not
loving.
It is the kiss
of sunlight.
It is everywhere;
but not loving.

(Originally written Jul 13, 2013)

glittering

Your job is to

sparkle
on everybody's behalf

Every
day we choose the amount
of glitter to cover most of
your skin with and every
dusk we leave you alone
to dust it off by
yourself

Every day you
blind us with the same
glitter we covered your
skin
with

And every
day you
leave us alone

I didn't need you

I was doing so well

I didn’t need you

You probably didn’t need me too

I was doing so well

But you had to waltz back into my life

Ruffle a few feathers

Throw a wrench into the cogs

That sorta thing

I didn’t need you

But you came on to me

And confessed

An age-old feeling

I didn’t need you

But I felt the same

And the days went by

It was magic

It was sunshine

The sweet taste of young affection

Something I never got to explore

I didn’t need you

But you assured me that you liked me

You liked me so much your heart was gonna explode

You were so nervous

I didn’t need you

You introduced me to your friends

They found me lovely

Your confession dug deeper

You said you wanted to be with me

I said I wanted you too even though

I didn’t need you

We snuck out and spent the night

Hugging and laughing and kissing

To me it was a connection like no other

I didn’t need you

You kissed my lips

You kissed my face

You kissed my body

I didn’t need you

But I wanted you so bad

I was throwing another life away

So I could get a new one

And spend lovely days with you

I didn’t need you

I had to break hearts

I didn’t want to do it

I didn't want to destroy someone but I guess

I really did need you

Hey

I'm being weird right now. I don't know why I'm restarting a blog but here I am. I have to think about other stuff - the blog name, the blog layout. I gotta learn the new HTML/CSS codes. It has been a long time. The weird thing about the internet is you can be everywhere and nowhere at once. I'll add more to this but I'm at work right now. Mainly I just want to post my old and new poetry. I lost hundreds of them, but I'm here, I'm alive and I can write new ones. That's the beauty of being a maker. I can always make new ones. I can always draw something for myself and people, I can always write for myself. At least I think I can.