nop

do not underestimate

someone's ability to 

love

do

not underestimate

someone's

ability to

love

themselves

A Whole Deck (2010-2011)

He took with him on
his way out of the forbidden
grounds a wicker basket
filled to the brim with
sour grapes and a deck
of blank playing cards.
It was said that the joker
had joked its way out of the
deck and all the others
followed
The king remained to scrape
a few leftover diamonds
but the ace gave him a 
heart, and so the queen
took his spade. Beloved king
picked a clover with five leaves
and offered it to Jack
who kept it with him in case
he ran out of luck.
As more twigs fell, and more
flowers grew, the royal court
bathed in white ink for a 
false sense of escape

guard your heart?

HELP why am I awake at 2am? Weirdly enough everyone I know isn't. I can't sleep. It's so weird. It's as if someone has been running their fingertip on my hairline LMFAO. Weird sensation. Am I being hexed? WAIT HEXES ARE REAL?? HAHAHA. I kid I kid.

I was in a lot of pain last month lmfao. An ungodly amount of pain. It's actually kinda hilarious looking back at it. Some days I felt like actual garbage and had no other way to cope but to listen to my sad girl playlist. It helped a lot actually. I owe my healing to those songs. They cried for me so I didn't have to. I still listen to the playlist, sans the pain in my chest lmfao. I look at it fondly and with gratitude. Music fucking heals, guys.

You know when someone rejects you then comments about being alone afterwards? I can't help but go "lmao I was gonna be there for you dumbass". It kinda sucks though because in some cases it means they'd rather be alone instead of being with you HAHA. I'm not saying it happened to me or anything. Or am I?

I had nothing but love to give, and was asking for nothing in return. OMG THAT'S THE ISSUE. I asked for nothing in return HAHAHA.

That was fucking dumb though.

In any case, I turned out perfectly fine: I learned my lessons and have started advocating for myself better.

I still have no idea how to physically move forward after this though.

In any case I will stay vigilant and will continue guarding my heart. I will stand my ground and be adamant on what my boundaries are. So far so good. That's how you weed the bad ones out anyway.
 

I'm supposed to wait for developments or news WITHIN ME so this stays in the draft. Anyway this was written Monday Aug 22. Byers.

Strolling Inside

Walk the roads of the unknown
with your shaky legs and jelly
knees, empty stomach and
a beating heart. Walk the bridges
of nonconformity or
fade into the scenery like a
petal that lost its hues to give
way to the fall, that also gave way
to the cold and will probably make
way for you as you climb down the
bridge you had just crossed.
with open eyes you will receive a gift
that you didn’t realize you had wrapped
for yourself


Another old one written between 2010-2011.

your own bad bitch

When your cup is full
you have nothing but 

love

to give

and nobody dares

receive;

you go inwards

sorry for spamming, self

At this rate I'm going to end up with 10 entries for today alone. I can't help it, even though I pretty much lost all of my writings, I still have like 50+ lurking somewhere in my notepad apps, drafts, unsent items.

Yes I tend to type shit I wanted to tell people I'm never talking to again and never send them. Sometimes the app doesn't delete the "draft" and I discover them unsent years later. 

It's fine though. It's fine. It always is.

Since I'm going to be alone soon, I decided to go back to my first love -- writing. I'm not any good lmao, but I do have a lot to say. I don't need anyone to read it either. I just need to post them somewhere. Maybeeeee for when I'm gone? No not really. Last time I tried to off myself, I didn't bother with a note and only really very lowkey told one person.

Honestly I have no idea how I survived that HAHAHAHA. If I run for 5 minutes my lungs burn and my body shuts down. I took 3 months worth of SSRIs and somehow made it out alive with no organ failure or whatever. Jesus Christ.

I'm going off on a tangent here, sorry.

Anyway, I plan to make a poetry chapbook or a zine. I'll fill it with my (sometimes useless) writing and some dramatic drawings. My drawings aren't all cutesy and happy, you know. I'll sell it alongside my cutesy shit and maybe label it "Sobby Days" since my brand is freaking "Happy Days" hahahaha.

I knew it was a bad idea having a positive brand name. No room for duality. LIKE AT ALL.

But yes, since I'm going to be alone, I might as well log my thoughts somewhere. 

I told my ex I had to kill the romantic part of me in order to keep up with his realist and pragmatic self. I'm reclaiming that part of me that I lost. Because fuck that, and fuck men.

At the risk of going off on another tangent here, I'm logging off. Might go back and add poems but idk. TTYL.

untitled sonnet lol

The clouds pile up and a storm is breaking
My tears trickling down like sweat
You're in my heart, I know it's aching
Oh, how I wish we never met
The rain has stopped, but tears kept flowing
This stinging feeling, you know it's burning
I feel so cold, inside me, it's snowing
My heart is twisting, I feel like mourning
Dear love, you know how it is
Losing you, I felt so weak
But now, the sun shining, I feel at ease
Up the sky, my clouds will never be bleak
So now, my dearest, please rest in peace
And be ready for your journey to the faraway east

(Written around 2008 or something

I should probably annotate properly but who tf cares hahaha

I just want to archive my stuff.

Also I've no idea what this was about hahaha.

Teenager me pretending to grieve over some dead lover or something idk.

There was no dead lover or whatever)